I have two sons. Both are on the spectrum, at different points. Both are extremely different in personalities too, so it shouldn't be surprising to me about how different they are with their cleaning.
T, my oldest (he'll be TWELVE on August 26) is also the messiest. He reminds me of Pig Pen from the old Charlie Brown comic strip, Peanuts. I don't have to wonder where he gets it from: he gets it from me.
My father used to call me that when I was little. Little dust clouds just seemed to find me. I remember one time when my sister was in charge of getting me dressed and bathed in the mornings for school. My parents had divorced by this time and my mom worked a lot. So, my sister took over the morning routine to let my mom sleep in after working a late shift. Well, she would do her job just fine, but it never failed that by time I got to school, I was absolutely filthy. I went from our house, ten steps away, waited maybe four or five minutes, got on a bus, rode for an hour, and arrived at the school looking like I hadn't bathed in months. The school called protective services. I pointed out to CPS that it was NEW dirt. LOL
But T... man, his room! I was messy as a teenager. I was a hoarder. But I didn't save TRASH. I wasn't one of those types of hoarders (although if the disease had progressed, I'm sure I would have at some point). T? He saves trash, dirty clothes, toys, dirty plates (I swear he takes them from the sink and puts them under his bed!)...and he hates cleaning it all up.
B? He'll clean up after himself. He has since he was a kid. But after living with T for so long and his parents who are mostly unable, well... he's been slacking too. But naturally, he's the cleanest person in the house. I went the other way after I received treatment for hoarding. It's all the same: OCD. Either you're obsessively clean, or obsessively messy. I didn't realize it was the same thing until years later and went back for more therapy after I also developed compulsions. I'd say B tends to lean towards that side of things.
Now, when it comes to clean up time (1/2 before bedtime starts, it's a kickoff to the bedtime routine), the two react very much alike. Neither one wants to do a thing. They want to finish watching their TV show, or now all of a sudden they remember this or that thing they HAVE to do right then.. etc. This is why it starts 1/2 hour before "bedtime." It really only takes five minutes, max with full cooperation. But it takes 25 minutes of excuses, stalling and whining to get to the full cooperation.
A twitter friend (@CorinaBecker) had recommended a way to get Thomas to be more independent in cleaning his room (right now, I would have to stand in there and point out the things that need cleaning, in a systematic order). She said to draw a visual map of the room, and make "quarters" and have him clean up a quarter at a time. Or whatever works for him but using the map of his room as a visual aid.
So, I had T make the map. He's way better at drawing than I am! He took it seriously, too. He used graph paper so he could draw it to scale and everything. I then took pictures of each quarter of the room so that they fit into his drawing. This was so he could see what it's SUPPOSED to look like when he's "done" cleaning. If he comes out and says, "Done!" I call back to him, "Check your picture!".. and then a few minutes later he'll come back out and say "Done!" and I'll say "Check the next picture!" and he'll go back, and so on until all four quarters are clean.
This may not seem like progress to anyone else, but to me it is. This is a time where my behavior-based time out technique wasn't going to work because I didn't want to PUNISH him. I wanted to TEACH him. We (caregivers, teachers, professionals, anyone who knows anyone with autism) know how difficult it can be going from a state of dependence to independence for our kids. So, I wanted Thomas, who can cook a mean meatloaf all by himself, to be able to clean up his bedroom all by himself. It's a part of life skills that he'll need if he's ever to live on his own with a quality of life that I wish for him.
He's made progress. Yeah,sure, I have to remind him to use the system but the system is there. And yeah, he'll learn to rely on a system instead of just "knowing" but it's a step towards self-directed skills. Right? Right!
So, I made Brandon a map too. He's used it perfectly and absolutely adores it. He says, "Don't change a thing! No more rearranging my room!" **smiles** When we had housemates, we had to rearrange his room and he did not like that at all. But he's used to it now and so doesn't want to change it again. I won't change it again, unless he wants to, of course. I did tell him we COULD rearrange and just take new pictures but if looks could kill, the look he gave me would have knocked me out lightening fast!
So, if your kids have ability to clean but have some executive functioning issues on WHAT to do to make it clean, this idea might help you, too :) (okay, no one mention that I begun using one for the rest of the house too hehe)
I have 2.5 acres of land in beautiful Oklahoma country and when my kids are out of school for the summer, the phrase, "Go outside and play" is often uttered so that I can get work done. But the most often used phrase is response is "There's nothing to do outside!'
Is this just a byproduct of today's electronic-dependent culture in America? Is it an Autism thing? What? I think it is less to do with autism and more about the electronic-dependency. But I'm not sure... bear with me while I explore this.
If it doesn't plug in or require batteries, my kids don't seem to know how to play with something. The exception is my Bboy's obsession with Monster Trucks and hot wheels cars. But, if I bought them a toy that doesn't "do" anything, they have nothing to do with it. It goes in the toy bin until I clean out the toy bins before Christmas and summer (twice a year) and donate it to the next family whose children WILL appreciate it.
Recently, I had housemates. They have since moved out into their own place (Congrats to them). But I watched the difference between her three children and my two. None of her three have autism. One of them does have special needs (oppositional defiant disorder) but not autism. She sent her kids out to play in our yard (2.5 acres). They were out there until they got hungry. I had sent my boys out there with them. They also stayed outside until they got hungry. They seemed to be having a good time. I have no idea what they were playing (couldn't hear them from inside looking out the window) but all five kids were engaged and talking. Bboy often wandered away and one of the other NT kids would bring him back to their play area and have him re-engage with them.
Since they moved out, we've gone back to the "There's nothing to do outside!" chant. I asked, "Well, what did you do when Misit's kids were here? You all seemed to have fun then." And T replied (11 years old): "Well, we played but I don't remember what we did so now we can't do it." *sigh*
I was thinking back to my childhood. I also did not have a problem playing out-of-doors all day, coming in for lunch when the other kids went in for lunch (they seem to be able to tell how much time has roughly passed without a watch, I cannot). I'd go back outside and play until the street lights came on-- our family (and everyone else's on base) cue that it is time to come in. We had woods that we would explore (and make fires in to cook marshmellows, build tree houses and forts and play house). We would take turns playing at each other's house (in the yard) and play house, tag, etc. We'd also make up dances to popular songs of the time (Rock me Amadeus is still my favorite of all the dances we did. Yes, I still remember how to do it. Why can't I remember to take my pills every morning??). There's was ALWAYS something to do for me growing up. If I had no one to play with (because we had a fight or they weren't home), I'd read a book or watch TV. Or play Barbies with my sister. Or play GI Joe rescues Barbi with my brother. But there was ALWAYS something to entertain me with.
Now, though, if I look back hard enough? None of those were ever *my* ideas. I never said, "Hey, let's do this!" Someone else always thought of what to do.I'd go to my sister and tell her how bored I was because I had no one to play with and she'd either play with me or my brother would invite me to tag along with him. I had a vivid imagination and would make up stories easily (fiction) but... it seemed the way kids typically use their imagination, I did not. I could look at a toy box full of toys and not know what to do with them until I saw someone else playing with it and then say "Oh, so that's what you do with it."
So, maybe it *is* the autism. After all, we know kids with autism don't do as well with imaginative play as their NT counterparts. So, I'll just have to adapt and figure things out and come up with a way for my boys to develop ideas on "what to do" that does NOT require electricity or batteries.
Well, we have a pool now so that is taking up some of their time. But I think the time has come for them to stretch their brain muscles a little and start thinking of things to do on their own.
What do you think? Do you have similar problems with your kids? Do they have autism or are they NT (neurotypical)? What do you suggest I do to help them learn to play imaginative games?
I'm not sure if there is a correlation between autism and being easily sunburnt. I do know that for me and my youngest, we definitely have trouble maintaining body temperature and often get sunburned easily. My oldest takes after his father and very rarely burns. Or at least, that had been the case.
This summer the boys have burned more easily than ever before. I started buying Coppertone for Kids SPF 50 continuous spray sunblock. You get two bottles (6 oz each) for $12.50. Quite expensive, but SO worth it! That stuff rocks! We get tans with that stuff on but we never, ever burn. I even use it for myself although it's labeled "for kids." I need the higher SPF than most adults seem to.
Well, yesterday my housemates watched my children while my husband and I slept in. That was VERY kind of them! They decided to go away for the weekend to a family member's house and so woke me up because my kids were going to stay in the pool. I didn't think anything of it. I let them swim for another hour or two and then called them in. They were pink all over and I thought "Ut oh!"
Sure enough, no one had put sunblock on them. My oldest said he thought we were out; otherwise, he would have done it for himself and brother. I wonder if my roommate thought the same thing. Or maybe she didn't think about it all because her kids rarely burn. They are out in the sun a lot and I think the kids' skins have adjusted to the rays of the sun, whereas my kids stay indoor much more than hers does. So, maybe that's the difference. I'm not sure.
But I do know that my youngest now has a second-degree sunburn. Learn from us. Use sunblock EVERY TIME. If someone is babysitting, make sure they know where it is and to use it. Even if your children do not burn easily, it's best for them to have it on anyway to protect against other types of sun damage and skin cancer later in life. Develop those good habits now, and they will keep them up later.
This past week or two, I've been working on an experiment for my psychology course. It involved breaking social norms. Well, that should be easy for someone like me, with autism, since everyone seems to believe we don't recognize social norms nor do we care if we break them. Well, I may not recognize something as a social norm, but when it's pointed out to me that it is, I then get worried or upset over breaking them, maybe even more so than my neurotypical peers. Below is the report on my experience.
The social norm that I chose to break was number one on the list: “Go into a store, or board a bus and sing out loud.” I felt this social norm would be the one that would offer the most hesitation. I am an adult individual with autism and the majority of time I am unaware of such things like social norms. For instance, I have gotten dressed up to go to McDonalds (just because), I’ve worn pajamas to school or other places since I was 16, I’ve ridden elevators backwards, I’ve sat in cafeterias at public food courts even though there were people there that I didn’t know, and I’ve asked someone for their seat on a train when there weren’t any other available. Imagine my surprise to see those items on the list!
Even the item I did choose to violate does not seem to be such a big deal to me. I’ve seen other people singing out loud to the songs on the loud speakers of stores or if they have headphones on and finding a particular song a “good” one. What makes it problematic for me is that I do not have a good singing voice. I did not know this until I was in my teens and my father compared it to cats fighting over fish bones in a back alley of a restaurant. From then on, I noticed when people would scrunch up their faces if I sang and I began to realize that not everyone appreciates my vocal travails.And, so it would make it an uncomfortable idea for me to break out in song at a local supermarket or anywhere there are other people. I’d be afraid of their reactions to my voice.
The first time I broke the social norm and sung out loud was at my local supermarket called Marvin’s. I had chosen that place because it would have other people but it is often not crowded. I went at about 6 p.m., just an hour before closing. There were a handful of other people around me shopping and an employee stocking shelves. The store does not play music on the loudspeaker and so I had to sing a song that would be familiar to me. I did practice before leaving my house a song, “Can’t smile without you” by Barry Manilow. While few people admit to being a fan of his, many seem to know his songs.
I noticed that my heart rate increased as I was counting to ten before singing. I also noticed I had started breathing more rapidly. The idea of someone reacting negatively towards me was scaring me and my body was reacting to that fear. As our text points out, our body when faced with danger (fear is a result of perceiving danger) prepares a flight-or-fight condition. I had no idea what anyone near me would do; would they stare? Would they laugh and point? Would they make me stop? It was nerve-wracking! I no longer sing out loud in front of anyone, not even close friends or my husband, and I was about to do it in front of strangers.
After I got through the first verse, I opened my eyes. I had closed them as a response to my fear of their reactions and then remembered I had to report on their reactions. One woman was smiling in my direction. A second was just staring at me, openly and blank-faced. It was almost like she was just shocked. The employee started singing along with me and then another man joined in with us. The woman who was smiling began to also sing along. The woman who had just stared at me ended up smiling at us, shrugged, and then joined in too. Two other males were near-by (further away than the others) but did not look our way and continued walking in another direction with their carts.
I think I noticed the effects of conformity within the responses of those bystanders. Our text, in Chapter 14 (Social Psychology) defines conformity as “adjusting our behavior or thinking to coincide with a group standard.” This was evident in the woman who was at first shocked by my belting tunes out in a store. After seeing three other people join me, she herself joined in. It was much like the experiment conducted by Solomon Asch, as described in our textbook (page 381), when faced with a group of others giving (obvious) incorrect answers, the participant felt pressured to also give an incorrect answer.
I’m left to wonder how I would react if I was a bystander in this experiment. I have never joined in to someone singing out loud but I do smile when it occurs. I love that person’s level of self-confidence and appearance of being free of the need to conform. I wondered though, would the reactions be different if I sang in another locale such as a library where you’re supposed to be quiet? And so I went to the local library and started singing out loud. There were five children near-by and three adults, not including the librarian.
In this particular situation, none of them sang along with me. The children giggled nervously because they knew I was breaking a rule that is established. The other three adults gave me stern looks as if that would make me “behave.” Even in the face of those reactions, I continued singing, this time while smiling. The children giggled louder and the adults starting shaking their heads as if to say, “Shame on you.” The librarian then approached me after about four minutes and told me I had to stop singing or leave the library. I apologized to those around me and walked back to the counter behind the librarian. I did explain to the librarian that I was a psychology student conducting an experiment on social norms. She laughed and said that I was welcome to come back any time as long as there was no singing involved.
My husband and I have been having some problems lately. It's mostly due to a lack of communication about problems and a lack of fixing said problems when they DO come up. Instead, we tend to push them aside rather than being proactive and finding solutions.
One of our problems was something that was an issue from the very beginning but had the potential to hurt my feelings and so he said nothing, instead. Well, I know all our moms taught us "If you can't say something nice..." but in this case that just doesn't work. How can I fix something if I don't know it's not working for him? And in some cases, it'd be a lie of omission. This is pernicious to a marriage.
I've always said I'd rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie and I stand by that. However, what he had to say hurt. Deeply. But... it was the truth as well. However, I'm having a side issue. I want him to feel comfortable with talking to me about ANYTHING and so now I have to enfetter my natural response. See, I want to cry. Uncontrollably and let out all of those related feelings. However, my husband happens to be a male. And like a lot of males, when a response of crying results from something he's done or said, he assumes it's a bad thing or that he Did Something Wrong. I wish he, and more men, understood that tears are just an expression of emotion, same as a smile. Yes, the feelings associated with tears is different than what's associated with a smile, but it's an expression nonetheless and does not mean that he Did Something Wrong. This time, he did exactly right.
A part of accepting what was said as truth, is to express these hurt feelings so that I can let them go. However, if I do that, I fear he will react much the same way my first husband did: not share anything that could potentially result in crying. This led my first marriage down a path that made the marriage unrecoverable. We were estranged for four years before his suicide. Yes, there were many more issues there (some that had naught to do with me) but that doesn't mean this lack of communication didn't also do its part either.
So, since the day he said it (three days ago) I've been virtually on the edge of bursting into tears. At everything. And I've been hashing it out in my head which has led me to thinking. Thinking is a good thing. However (I'm getting sick of using that word; however, I can't think of another one right now), I tend to over-think at times. I continue to chew on that food for thought for hours. And, if it starts with negative feelings, it ends with negative thoughts and MORE negative feelings. Hard to be happy in that situation, No?
So. I'm stuck. I can't move on until I can cry. I can't cry because my husband won't understand. Even if I explain it to him, he'll still blame the words he said and restrict himself in the future from sharing. Which, again, is bad.
So... I went for a walk after supper (part of my new exercise routine) and I figured it out. Why I didn't think of this sooner, I don't know. I'm going to go cry now, in the shower. The only place I have complete privacy and no one will notice the tears wetting my face.
I am a writer about special needs kids at www.examiner.com/x-1560-Special-Needs-Kids-Examiner and now also the Tulsa Autism Examiner. I have Asperger's. I have a son Thomas, who also has Asperger's. My son Brandon has another form of autism called PDD/NOS. Brandon is more impacted by his autism than Thomas is in a visable way. Meaning, more people would recognize Brandon as being "autistic" than they would for Thomas.
There is lots more to be said about me; however, this site is about autism and those who have it. So I will restrict the details about myself to that topic. :)
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